


Pour One Out

by Fandom_Stuff



Series: Suptober20 [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Depression, Drinking, M/M, Overall sadness, tw: thoughts of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:14:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27109339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Stuff/pseuds/Fandom_Stuff
Summary: This ficlet was written for the prompt ‘Pour One Out’  as a part of Suptober20 onTumblr
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Castiel, Destiel
Series: Suptober20 [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953955
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Pour One Out

The sun had risen on another day, much to Dean’s chagrin, and he rolled over in bed, his hand still loosely wrapped around the neck of a mostly empty liquor bottle. 

He just wanted to go back to bed. He wanted to go back to bed and never wake up again. Why did he keep waking up? What kind of cruel joke was being played on him by the universe? Why couldn’t he just die? 

He wanted it to be over. It hurt too much, even with the alcohol that he never let leave his system for long. It had only been a year since it happened, and it had been the worst year of Dean’s existence. 

There had been many nights when he’d stood in front of his mirror, gun pressed against his temple, wondering just how far he was willing to go to make the pain stop. He hardly went a day without holding that gun in his hand and weighing the options. In the end, he was too much of a coward to do it, he always chose another bottle of Jack and the confines of his bed. 

Sam tried to help, he tried to drag Dean on hunts, or to the movies, he even tried a strip club once, but Dean always resisted. Sam hadn’t given up yet though, and Dean knew he never would, not until Dean’s body was lying on the floor, blood pooling from his head.

Life without Cas was dull, colorless, like staring into a void and wishing you could see the light but knowing you never would. It was like Dean’s very soul had been split in two, leaving only half of himself behind. He was just a shell, the man he once was had left the building. 

He was nothing without Cas. 

Cas had been his world, and he hadn’t truly realized it until he was gone. 

He’d looked for a way to bring him back, he’d tried to make deals, tried to contact the Shadow, but he never got an answer. He’d shouted at the sky, until he was blue in the face, trying to make  _ someone  _ listen, he cried until his body gave out on him and dragged him into a fitful sleep. 

For months, he tried everything. But eventually he was forced to give up, and so he did the only thing he could think of to numb the pain, he climbed into a bottle and never looked back. 

Today was the anniversary of Cas’ death. The day the empty had come and stolen him away, just moments after their lips had met in their first kiss, just moments after Dean had confessed everything he’d been feeling for years, just moments after Cas had looked at him with such happiness, yet such sorrow. 

Dean couldn’t be angry at Cas for doing the same exact thing he’d done for Sam when he had died, he couldn’t be mad at him for choosing to save his loved ones over his own life. But now, as he stood in front of Cas’ grave, where they’d buried an empty coffin because there had been nothing left of Cas to burn, with a half full bottle of whiskey and tears lining his face, he couldn’t help but be angry. 

Not at Cas, but at the empty, at Chuck, at the  _ universe _ , for taking everything good from his life. As he looked down at the ground, he raised his hand and let some of the whiskey fall from the bottle. 

“This one’s for you old friend,” he said quietly. “Wish you were here, man.”

Once he’d emptied a fourth of the bottle for Cas, he sat down beside the grave and sipped slowly at the rest of the whiskey. He talked to Cas in between burning gulps of alcohol, told him about how he just wanted it all to end, how he just wanted to see him again, even if it was just in his memories in heaven… he just wanted to see him again. 

When the sun had set and the crisp night breeze whispered across the graveyard, Dean stood and stumbled away, leaving Cas behind, and wondering if tonight was the night he’d finally have the guts to pull the trigger. 


End file.
